Julz156's Blog

Crazy things happen on the way to change.

27 Mar 2012
3 Comments

One Team, One Voice!

What a totally inspiring weekend I just had! There is nothing like being with over 300 people with the same goal. We’re gonna kick Pancreatic Cancers ass…yes we are!

For those of you that don’t know, I, along with the Milwaukee Affiliate spent the weekend in Chicago attending the Pancreatic Cancer Action Networks’ Community Outreach Leadership Training. It was an emotional, inspiring and kind of exhausting time and I am filled with more love and admiration for my purple people than ever before.

Debbie Ryan was the keynote speaker and we were all blown away by her amazing story along with her passion to fight Pancreatic Cancer. Debbie is an incredible speaker and I’m pretty sure she left us all with goosebumps! I am now an official fan of Womens College Basketball :)

A few of my favorite moments;

Roberta Luna, a current PC fighter and survivor was presented with the Randy Paucsh Award. I love this woman. She is such a fighter and truly my hero. Having already lost multiple family members to PC, she continues to fight the beast head on. Never give up mama!

Meeting my “pancan twin”, Dana Quinn was a real treat. This little lady is such a fireball and is making some serious progress raising awareness and $$. She is also one of the cutest people ever!! Really, just look :)

Taryn Jones of NEPA won the award for Affiliate Coordinator of the year and she is also the inspiration for this post. What an incredible group of people NEPA is. I love you all and am so honored to be on your team!

My homies from New Jersey were honored with the Affiliate of the year award and there is no team more deserving. Enjoy it now though because Milwaukee is gonna take it all next year. Just saying :)

It’s interesting how life happens sometimes. How certain  situations and people can completely blind side you and before you know it, your path has been totally turned around. To be honest, I was seriously considering leaving the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network. Burnout, life changes and discouragement seemed to get the best of me. This weekend changed it all. Being with these people, there is nothing like it and I wouldn’t trade ‘em for anything! I’ve learned that I am not a quitter and neither is my pancan family. We WILL win!

Watch out world (and Pancreatic Cancer) Milwaukee is comin and we’re ready to fight! Laura, Steve, Jeanne, Melinda, Nikki, Trina and Mary Jo, I love you all!

Don’t forget, PurpleStride Milwaukee June 2!!

Posted in advocacy, cancer, family, feelings, friends, fundraising, hope, Pancreatic Cancer
11 Feb 2012

Ugh, I’m old

Yep, it’s true.  I’m getting old and it’s time I face it. I’m almost over the hill…just under two more months and then it’s time to call it a day.

I am composing this post as I am just finishing up my first meal on over 48 hours. I was so looking forward to this moment . Thinking for ours about what beautiful and delicious morsels I was going to indulge in this evening. Nachos, of course were #1 on my list, duh. Come on, you know me :) I regretfully ended up with pizza and now my belly is cursing me. Dumb dumb chicken little. When will I ever learn to take it easy? I need to remember that I do not have the digestive system of a teenager. Maybe I need that tattooed on my forehead huh? No more lemonheads, spaghettios or chow mein noodles.

Anyway, I digress. It must be the anesthesia, I apologize. Let me get back to the point of this post. I’m getting old and it’s time I face it. Today I had the pleasure of experiencing the first of many…. an Endoscopy and Colonoscopy. Yes, I had a friggin tube up my a$$. How wonderful. Due to family history and now my age, I will be enjoying this every five years. I cannot tell you how exciting it is to drink 2 liters of sulfur water while trying not to gag followed by hours of…well, you know, “cleansing”. I did lose 5 pounds though. Thank God for the little things hey?! Needless to say, my bootay is quite raw :( . Ok, really, it’s the meds…again, I apologize.

I’m getting old and it’s time I face it. My conversations with my friends have turned from harmless gossip and fashion to a daily account of bowel movements. Have we no shame?? Nope. We poop and we’re proud! Ugh. So so sad what has happened to us. SMH.

So…before I continue to embarrass myself or my friends anymore, I will close.

To my girls…lets rock our 40′s ladies!!!

Posted in aging, Change, Pizza, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
05 Feb 2012
4 Comments

Saying what I need to say

So, once again my family will be going through some changes. Financial, familial, emotional, and relational. This is going to be tough but I know we will be okay.This post is my hope in setting the tone for the rest of our lives.

Change is inevitable. It is a part of life. But it can also suck. I don’t want this to suck for my family. I want us to be okay.I believe that it takes a bit of courage to make a change. Right now Id like to feel courageous but I’m pretty much just scared shitless. This could be the biggest mistake of my life. I am reminded of a quote I found on my newest addiction, Pinterest,  ” I would rather live with a life full of oh wells than of what ifs”.

So many emotions and feelings I’m struggling with right now; fear, anxiety, guilt, anticipation, selfishness, excitement and sadness. This list continues as I am sure you can imagine.

No one is to blame. This is no ones fault and there is no bad guy. It is what it is. People will talk. They will wonder, they will assume. This is what I have to say to them: “To thy own self be true”. Don’t worry about me or what I’m doing.

 

 Image

 

So if that’s how I feel then why write this?? Ahh….there is something that needs to be said and there is someone that needs to hear it.

You know who you are.

Loyal.

Honorable.

My friend.

A wonderful father.

Supporter.

Provider.

Caregiver.

Teacher.

Contrary to popular belief, I do love you. We have an amazing family and no matter where we are or what path we choose, we will still be a family.

We will be okay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized
18 Dec 2011

Guest Post!!

Hey everyone, I miss you!! It’s been forever, I know. Life has been a bit crazy and I’m sure you can all relate

One of my New Years Resolutions will be to commit more time to this blog (and of course the whole lose 20 pounds thing). Anyway, until then, I want to share my fist post. David Haas contacted me a few months ago about writing a guest post and I thought this was an excellent idea. If you have any loved ones battling this horrible beast that is cancer, please send this to them. Every little thing helps right???

After reading, please take a few minutes to look at the pictures from the recent @pancanmilwaukee events. Good times people, can’t wait for PurpleStride Milwaukee on 6/2/12. PurpleStride 2011.

Exercising Correctly Can Increase Energy Levels in Cancer Patients

The disease process and treatments can cause fatigue in many cancer patients and survivors. Waning energy levels can make it very difficult for these individuals to perform even the simplest daily activities. Maintaining a minimal exercise routine and learning to do so properly can prove beneficial when attempting to cope with low energy levels. Consulting with a doctor and following just a few simple rules can help individuals safely reap the rewards of exercise.

Slowly Increase Activity
When beginning an exercise program, a cancer patient should start slowly, especially if he or she is very tired. He or she should begin with ten minutes of activity, increasing the time in small increments as tolerated. This helps to build up stamina and tolerance to exercising.

Proper Scheduling
Most people have periods of time throughout the day when their energy is at peak levels. Scheduling any necessary activity or exercise during these periods takes advantage of this increase in energy without subjecting the individual to undue fatigue. It can also help to maximize his or her exercise efforts.

Performing Short Bursts of Exercise
Incorporating even short bursts of activity throughout the day can make a person’s exercise time add up. Simple tasks such as taking the stairs and parking the furthest away from a building can offer small ways of adding physical activity to an individual’s day.

Frequent Rest Periods
Whenever a cancer patient increases his or her activity level, periods of rest are vital to keep him or her from becoming too tired. Even if the individual does not wish to take a nap during the day, just laying down for short periods of time can help to conserve energy levels. It will also help him or her to have enough energy to perform the next set of tasks or scheduled exercise.

Individuals with all forms of cancer, from breast to mesothelioma, can benefit from increased exercise to combat fatigue. Integrating physical activity into the daily schedule slowly and safely can help patients experience an increase in energy levels, offering them a better quality of life.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
18 Jun 2011
3 Comments

The three B’s.

Bailey

Bra

Blankie

Ugh, those of you that know me well have already heard my traumatic story and I greatly appreciate your support.  Don’t know what I would do without my girls! So, for the rest of you…here is my story:

My daughter, my baby, Bailey turned 9 years old on June 7th. In addition to her wild and crazy sleepover, which is another blog post in and of itself,  we went out for a family dinner. Everything was great,  Bailey got great gifts and loved them all. We came back home and ate birthday cake…no surprises or problems, smooth sailing. Another fun birthday for my sweet little girl. And then it happened, she came downstairs in her pajamas …what was that I saw? No! It couldn’t be, this could NOT be happening. My baby, my little 9-year-old daughter had the beginning of little “boobie buds” . OK, maybe I was wrong, seeing things perhaps. I looked at my husband, tilted my head, pointed toward Bailey and said, “did you happen to notice….” he cut me off right away, “nope, don’t worry about it” he said,” it’s hot and humid out, she’s just swollen”. Ha, nice, always the funny one. No, unfortunately I am well aware of the fact that “boobies” don’t swell from heat. Ankles, feet, fingers…yes, but this was a whole different category. I had to face the fact that my baby was growing up. The dreaded shopping trip was necessary I needed to get those things under control fast!!

So, a few days later, this past Tuesday to be exact, Bailey and I went to Kohl’s to buy her first bra. The girl was so darn excited, giddy actually. By the way, this was a mother and daughter shopping trip only, Brian wanted nothing to do with it as he is still in denial.  Poor guy, the boys were so much easier, just have “the talk” with them and you’re done. No special clothes needed.

After our shopping spree, 5 cute little boobie holders sat in a bag in my car. Wow. That’s it, just wow. Of course we had to go and celebrate. This is a huge milestone. Bailey wanted frozen yogurt and I wanted a Xanax, or wine, or both. We went to “Yo Mama” and continued with our bonding over lemon sorbet swirled with vanilla frozen yogurt. I topped mine with strawberries as I am very health conscious :) and B covered hers in nerds, chocolate chips, cookie dough, and who knows how many other delights. To be honest, I wanted hers.

Our drive home was quiet, both of us musing over the events of the day. Bailey feeling like a  young lady and me feeling like an OLD lady. Meh…thats life huh?! Funny thing though, my rapidly aging daughter….she still took her blankie to bed with her that night. She will always be my baby.

Posted in Change, daughters, family, Kids
09 Jun 2011
4 Comments

Oh So Bittersweet. A PurpleStride Milwaukee Recap.

June 4, 2011.  Lakeshore State Park. PurpleStride Milwaukee. 1200 people registered and over $105,000 raised for Pancreatic Cancer awareness and research. How amazing is that?? Those numbers are huge, awesome, unbelievable! Yes, but what about this, out of those 1200 people, only 17 were survivors. Not so amazing. Not so huge or awesome. Unbelievable…yes. It’s time to change this.

Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT complaining, not at all. I am still so blown away by the success of our first PurpleStride. The amount of people who volunteered their time to make this happen was very humbling. I thank all of you and I hope you realize how appreciated you are. PurpleStride could not have come to fruition without the men and women that gave so much time out of their lives over the past 6-8 months. $105,000 is no joke. We are going to and have made a difference. believe it!

This is what bothers me, the 17 survivors. That number is unacceptable. A friend of mine, Genevieve, pointed this out to me after the event: the majority of people at PurpleStride were there because either they have lost someone or are going to lose someone from Pancreatic Cancer. Bold statement but it’s true. With a 6% survival rate, yes, most of those diagnosed will die. I for one am tired of it. Throughout my involvement with The Pancreatic Cancer Action Network, I have met a crazy amount of people. With that comes the unfortunate fact that I will lose some of them. Some of my new friends will also be taken by Pancreatic Cancer. How many funerals will I attend before the statistics change?

Chris Mauritz, a survivor and member of the Milwaukee Affiliate, was one of our guest speakers. He is struggling and was having an especially difficult time  as he attended the funeral of his friend the previous day. Mike was diagnosed 4 months ago. 4 months ago. Here is a picture that needs no explanation.

We need help. We need more funding. We need to find an early detection tool. I do not want to lose anyone else. I’m a strong woman yes, but I hurt. Every loss is like a knife turning in my chest. Ok, maybe this is a bit dramatic but walk in my shoes. Converse with  dying people on a daily basis. Create a bond with someone who you know will probably not be around this time next year. Not an easy task.

Please join me on Tuesday 6/14 for National Call In Day. Tell your Representatives that we need change.

Again, thank you all for your support of PurpleStride Milwaukee! We had a great time and did an amazing job for our first event. Next year though, we hope to see these numbers change. :)

Posted in advocacy, cancer, Change, Pancreatic Cancer, PurpleStride, Uncategorized
10 Apr 2011
3 Comments

A sign??

Hello, yes, its me again. I know I know, you’re getting sick of me. Im sorry but I just have a lot going on inside right now….and I’m not talking about my achin belly. Well, not right now anyway.

As most of you already know I’ve had a rough time over the past week. Seems like the tears just wouldnt stop. I couldnt really pinpoint where all of this emotion was coming from other than the anniversary of my moms death. But why now? Why 3 years later am I having such a hard time? I really dont have an answer for that and have been just wallowing in and out of a funk because of it. Life just isnt always easy…not at all.

One thing that seems to stand out is the order of events that took place leading to my moms final breath. Her death was not peaceful. Not at all. It was pretty horrific actually. I wont go into details but it was basically the worst thing I have ever experienced and was my moms greatest fear. I have struggled with the images from that night for 3 years now. Ive been waiting for a sign, something to let me know that she is ok. That she doesnt know the pain anymore. That sign has not come.

This morning as I was driving to work, I silently cursed the beautiful weather. How can it be so nice out when I feel so crappy?! I know thats a completely selfish statement but …..ehh, it is what it is.

So, here I am driving on the freeway, not happy, pouting and hating the world. Yay me. I decide to turn on the radio, flip around a bit and stumble upon a classic. Such a simple song but the words went right to my core…and of course made my cry.

“Ooh-oo child things are gonna get easier.
Ooh-oo child things will get brighter.
Ooh-oo child things are gonna get easier.
Ooh-oo child things will be brighter.

Some day, yeah
We’ll put it together and we”ll get it all done.
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We’ll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter.”

Hmmm…..Mom, was that you?

Posted in Change, feelings, hope, Life, memories, music
10 Apr 2011
1 Comment

Ahhh…it helps to vent.

Ok, so I’m kind of  freaking out.  Actually I’m REALLY freaking out. The first ever  PurpleStride Milwaukee is going to take place in just under 7 weeks. Ack! 7 weeks! There are so many things on my mind, so many things that can go wrong. My belly aches just thinking about it. I cannot fail at this. This means the world to me right now, it’s been my heart and soul for months.I need to make my mom proud.

The numbers are looking good so far. We have 300 participants registered and our goal is 500. I don’t think there should be any problem reaching that number. We have raised close to $20,000 already. Our goal is $50,000 and we may have a difficult time getting there but I’m still hopeful. My committee is awesome…absolutely no complaints in that department. We have food, entertainment, and a children’s area all ready to go.  Sponsorship, ugh, that’s another story.

At this point we really don’t have any solid sponsors. There is quite a bit of interest but nothing signed in stone yet. This is what keeps me up at night. I’ve come to realize that there are many circumstances leading to this and have learned to accept it rather than take it personally. First of all, PurpleStride is new to Milwaukee. No one really knows about it yet and I can understand why they would be hesitant to invest. Secondly, the economy sucks right now. There is no extra money. I’ve also learned that many companies create their budget months and months in advance and by the time we approach them, they have already chosen their “cause”. Many reasons…I get it and understand that it’s not just because they don’t like me :)

Anyway, even without large sponsorships, I believe that PurpleStride Milwaukee will be a success. Already we are going to have at least 300 people rockin purple all over Lakeshore State Park. That should turn some heads and get people asking questions! Awareness!!! Ahhh, I feel better now. Just needed to work it out.  Thats the point of blogging right? Thank you.

On another note, I want to thank you all for the tremendous support I have received over the past few days. This last week was an incredibly tough and emotional one and your kind words have done wonders. I miss my momma like crazy and nothing will ever fill that void but it’s comforting to know that I have caring friends and family who will let me whine and cry when I need to.

So…I’ll see you all on June 4th! :)

Posted in friends, fundraising, hope, Pancreatic Cancer
08 Apr 2011
7 Comments

Heartbroken again…nothing to do but write and remember.

As I begin to compose this post, tears are streaming down my face. My sister Mallory is sitting here with me and I am completely crushed.

My mom lost her battle with Pancreatic Cancer three years ago today. She spent the last three months of her life at Zilber Hospice. While there, my sisters and I convinced her to allow us to record a few special moments. My mom was not a big fan of this idea but knew that we needed something to hold onto when she was gone.

So, today, three years after her death, I am finally ready to watch the DVD. It has taken this long but I always found comfort in knowing that it was there for me when the time was right.

The DVD is blank.

My heart feels torn apart right now. To me, this is the worst possible case scenario. What I have been holding onto for three years is gone. Just gone.

I posted something about this on facebook not too long ago and received many comforting words and the following piece of advice.  “Matthew Peters Write what you remember. Blog it, Tweet it, FB it. Nothing is ever truly lost so long as we still tell the stories, sing the songs, and pass on the memories. ::hugs::”

The first video clip we shot was kind of  a test.  It was a sunny but cold winter afternoon. In the room were my mom, Amy, Mallory and myself. I turned the camera on and focused on Mallory first. Her words to me (as I remember them) were, “hi, don’t mind me,  I haven’t taken a shower today”. Then I went to Amy, her words, “hi, I haven’t taken a shower today either”. We giggled a bit about this. Then I pointed the camera to my mom, while sitting in her bed, she turns to the camera, waves and said, “hi, I haven’t taken a shower in FIVE days”.   :)

March 29, 2008, we were able to capture a beautiful moment. Mallory was a senior at UWM and only weeks away from graduation. My mom was so proud and knew that realistically, she would probably not be around that day. Luckily, Mal received her cap and gown early enough :) That afternoon, when my mom was in the bathroom, Mallory quickly put her cap and gown on and was standing proud when my mom came back out. Apparently, as Mallory is telling me right now, I was the only one that cried. No big surprise there. Anyway, it was a very special moment.

The last time I remember using the camera was on my birthday, March 31, 2008. Amy made homemade pizza and cake for me. We celebrated in my moms room. I remember the pizza being sooo good and I think the cake was pineapple something with 4 layers!?! Anyway, we light the candles and they all sang to me… it was the last time my mom said happy birthday.

That’s it. Thats all I can remember. Those images are gone forever and I only have what’s left in my memory.

I am angry. I am  frustrated I am sad. I am heartbroken. I miss her voice.

There is nothing I can do but write and remember.

Posted in death, family, feelings, loss, memories
06 Apr 2011
9 Comments

As long as I’m living.

Thursday, April 7, 2011, will be the third anniversary of my beautiful mothers death. 3 years. I still find that at times I have to force myself to believe it, it really happened, she is really gone.

So many things have happened since then. Life has continued. My son Mike has graduated from High School and is now in College. My son Dan will be a senior in the fall. Bailey…well, she’s still a diva. My sister Mallory has graduated from College. My niece Amaya was born and is already 2. There is a new President in office. I have gained 10 pounds, lost 10 pounds, gained 10 pounds and again trying to lose 10 pounds.  So if we have all moved ahead, why does it seem especially hard this year? Why do I sometimes feel her loss even more so now?

I struggled with the idea of writing this post. I wanted to make sure that I did something to honor her but also make it cathartic for myself. I knew that whatever I wrote would be incredibly personal and probably risky. I don’t want to exploit my moms death but rather hope to find comfort and maybe peace in sharing.

This past Saturday, I sat at my moms graveside and cried. I told her so many things. Things she probably already knows. I have not stopped thinking about or grieving for her since then.   A recurring memory is one that I am going to share with you today in remembrance of her, my mom.

The few days before my mom passed were especially hard for her. Until then, she had still been able to do most everything on her own. She ate, went to the bathroom, brushed her hair and teeth without much assistance. When she took a sudden turn for the worse, I knew it hurt her. I knew that she hated having her daughters help her with these daily tasks. I remember going home one night feeling so sad for her and wanting to find a way to comfort her and let her know that we (my sisters , grandma and I) understood.

When I went to the hospice the next morning, I brought this book along with me.

It was given to me on Michael’s first birthday and has become a favorite.  So, after I fed my mom for the last time, I read this book to her. The story is about a mother and child, the mother rocks her baby boy, toddler, preteen, teenager, and adult son to sleep telling him she loves him forever, likes him for always and as long as she’s living, her baby he’ll be.

I will leave you with the last few lines.

Well, that mother, she got older. She got older and older and older. One day she called up her son and said, “You’d better come see me because I’m very old and sick.” So her son came to see her. When he came in the door she tried to sing the song. She sang:

I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always…

But she couldn’t finish because she was too old and sick. The son went to his mother. He picked her up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And he sang this song:

I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
As long as I’m living
my Mommy you’ll be.


Posted in Change, death, family, feelings, Life, loss, memories

Post Navigation

← Older Entries
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,405 other followers